


ѕтαяgαzιиg

by SkyTheLoner



Category: Warriors - Erin Hunter
Genre: AU possibly, Ace Awareness, Angst, Aro & Ace Hollyleaf, Aro & Ace Mousefur(appears for a bit), Aro Awareness, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Hollyleaf has PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, I forgot Icepaw and Foxpaw weren't apprentices... I'll change that soon, I need to edit this but I'm too lazy, Tragedy, but probably not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-02
Updated: 2016-10-02
Packaged: 2018-08-19 00:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8182628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyTheLoner/pseuds/SkyTheLoner
Summary: Hollyleaf felt broken.She was so scared; so alone.Somehow she found a friend.Somehow he saved her.Somehow they ended up gazing at the stars together.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this the fist fanfiction I've posted on A03, so hopefully I didn't fail at writing the tags...

_Hollypaw had just begun to realize how different she was when she caught sight of how smitten Icepaw was when she was around her brother, Lionpaw. The snow colored mollies blue gaze was tracking his every move like a hunter would track prey, and honestly, Hollypaw found herself scowling a bit at her Clanmate._

_She absentmindedly had been digging a hole in the ground, sinking her grey claws into the soft, grainy soil as annoyance started to blossom in her head. Hollypaw inhaled and exhaled slowly, feeling some of her irritation exit her as she did. Why was her Clanmate acting like that? Her gaze shifted to Foxpaw._

_The ginger tom, whose pelt was akin to his namesake's, stalked around camp with a look on his muzzle that made Hollypaw_ sure _he wasn't her type. No way._

_Well... when she was younger she had been interested in having kits, but not a mate. Hollypaw still wanted them-they were so fluffy-but.... She wanted to adopt a pair of fluffy kittens, and she wanted to teach them._

_She and Icepaw weren't friends at the moment because of a comment the white molly had made. She had tried to find out if Hollypaw had a crush on Foxpaw or any tom. Hollypaw had snapped that she wasn't interested in a mate._

_She never told anyone, except two cats._

“Hey, Hollyleaf,” a quiet mew woke her up and for a moment she didn't recognize it. Hollyleaf blinked, alarmed. Then she remembered. Fallen Leaves. A cold pelt was pressed against her own warm pelt, and she shivered.

Hollyleaf nodded to her only companion in the darkness of the tunnels, greeting the ginger and white tomcat with, “Good morning.” Her green eyes drifted to the swift river beside them. Fallen Leaves purred so loudly, Hollyleaf could feel the vibrations coming from the tom, and one of his paws pointed slowly to a silver something of the cavern floor.

She sniffed the dank air, scenting a familiar scent that she remembered was fish, and she glanced fleeting at her dappled friend's gift, nodding in thanks. Light must have been coming in from a nearby hole, because the fish was illuminated silver by moonlight. The tom nervously coughed, and she looked at him.

Fallen Leaves said nothing, so she decided to simply eat the fish, though she didn't really like fish. Sadly, it was the only thing to eat in the tunnels...

She sank her teeth into the flesh of the fish, recoiling for a moment, deciding to skin her prey. Hollyleaf flexed one of the sable paws, revealing her somewhat dull claws and dug them into the fish, slicing off a chunk of skin carefully. She leaned down again, tearing off a bit of fish and eating it. She scowled, causing Fallen Leaves to purr in amusement.

She took another bite-

_Hollyleaf jumped back, hissing at the water swirling around her paws, guilt welling inside her. S-she killed him..._

_Blood stains dotted her paws as she stared in horror. She didn't mean to... Or... Maybe she had, if his blood was on her muzzle. Hollyleaf felt sick as she slowly retreated into the bushes, her green gaze staring at the river rushing across the rocks. Oh StarClan-_

“Hollyleaf!” a panicked cry awoke her, and she felt a paw poking her. Hollyleaf gasped, her pupils narrowed into sable slits as she trembled with fear. Her wide green eyes darted around, searching for her friend. She saw two green eyes staring at her, concerned, and she sighed in relief, calming down just a bit. Hollyleaf still felt sick, like she was going to lose any food she had eaten.

Her emerald green gaze drifted to the tomcat who sat beside her, and she tried to crawl away, but in vain. Hollyleaf gasped, trying to breathe, then stretched one of her legs towards the raging river. Then another. And another. She couldn't breathe, and her heart was beating so fast, she thought it might crack her chest.

Hollyleaf just lay there beside the river, listening to the sound of the water as it rushed pass her to some place far away. Her claws scraped thee dusty cavern floor as she flexed one of her sable paws, the fur on her spine bristling. _Oh StarClan, oh StarClan..._ She thought, panting in fear, sweat dripping down her fur slowly. Hollyleaf gasped, inhaling the humid air, her lung still scorched by the lack of air.

How many times had she collapsed, blacked out and relived her life. Why in StarClan's name did she have to go though all that, over and over. Day after day. She couldn't escape that nightmare-those hated moments of her life..

She regretted them every second she lived, every moment she breathed.

“ _Fallen Leaves?”_ she whispered, still panting, absentmindedly staring at one her paw, wincing a bit as she saw a smear of blood on her paw pad. She gingerly dragged her tongue over the small wound, glad for something to distract her from _his_ death. _Something bad to distract me from something worse..._ Hollyleaf set her paw back on the ground, wincing again, and she flexed her injured paw slowly, closing her eyes.

_Oh, aren't I perfect? I killed Ashfur, and I can't fall in love,_ she thought bitterly, feeling her fur heat up with shame as she mentioned the latter fact.  _I know it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but..._ Hollyleaf sighed, her emerald gaze drifting to the rushing river, and her tail tip twitched as she fleetingly saw a silver of silver swim by.  _I feel like I should have fallen in love with_ someone.  _Honestly, even if I got a crush on Willowpaw-err... Willowshine-I could probably be happy..._

Maybe somewhere in her heart she knew couldn't feel romantic love for anyone and that was why she want to become a Medicine Cat. If she had, no one would have questioned that she didn't have a mate. _Then maybe I could have forgotten..._ Hollyleaf was doubtful of that though. She found herself thinking of Foxleap.

He was strong warrior, she knew that, but looking at him didn't make her pelt heat up with embarrassment. He was just another Clanmate, yet Icepaw couldn't see that at the time. She just noticed Hollypaw and her brother were a tom and molly and noticed they hadn't fallen in love. So, Hollyleaf couldn't blame her, not really. She remembered him vividly, oddly enough. Maybe because of Icepaw's constant pestering.

His ginger pelt, which was akin to fox's, and the way it shone in the sunlight. His amber eyes, which shone with glee. He was big, like all the other toms. The sound of his purring when he was happy. She thought he was... well, just a friend. Not even a _close_ friend. She wasn't just going to suddenly fall in love with a random tom. Or anyone.

For a long time she questioned why she hadn't fallen in love. She tried to love Foxpaw romantically and tried to force that emotion, but did nothing but stress herself out. She tried to see if she could find a lover, a crush, even. A ShadowClan tom? No. RiverClan? No. WindClan? No. Willowpaw? Any mollies? No. Anyone? Still no. No one caught her attention, really.

_Why?_ Why did she even care? Maybe because everyone else had a mate. She knew she could go and talk to Mousefur, but...

_I still think I'm broken_ .

“ _Hollypaw, can you go give Mousefur some herbs?” a familiar voice mewed softly, quiet and maternal, and it still managed to make Hollypaw jump with her sable fur bristling with surprise. Her green gaze darted to her mentor, and she saw a bundle of herbs by the tabby's paw. She opened her mouth, inhaling the scent, dismay rising in her as she remembered nothing about them except their scent. Hollypaw's tail bristled a bit more. “Hollypaw?”_

_Hollypaw blinked, tilting her head a little bit, her ears flat on her head. “I... don't remember them,” she whispered, ashamed, and her pelt heated up. To her surprise, Leafpool just purred sweetly. The older molly leaned forward, licking to top of her head like a mother would do to a kitten._

“ _Hollypaw, that alright,” she purred, amused. Hollypaw felt her face burn even more, and she pawed the den floor almost absentmindedly, maybe subconsciously trying to take her mind off of that. She inhale, feeling her mind clear a bit when she did and nodded, bending down to grab the herbs in her mouth carefully._

“ _Oh,” Hollypaw muttered softly, desperately glancing at the den entrance, her paws kneading the soil. She quickly stepped to the side, evading the tabby as she exited the Medicine den, pushing her embarrassment into the back of her mind. Her pelt brushed the leaves as she leapt away._

_Hollypaw glanced around the camp, seeing her mother and father, Squirrelflight and Brambleclaw, their pelts touching. She tilted her head, puzzled. She didn't exactly understand romance. Maybe because she was still young? Well... she knew of cats younger than herself who had a crush and cats older who hadn't gotten a crush yet, so..._

_But she still wanted kits, right? So she was just too young to understand, right? Hollypaw let out a muffled sigh, careful not to drop the herbs. No... She didn't think it was that..._

_Hollypaw shook her head, turning to face the Elder's den. She padded slowly towards it, a question forming in her mind._

_Should... she ask it?_

_Maybe._

_Hollypaw evaded a small crowd of warriors, just close enough to hear bits and pieces of their conversation, and she scowled and felt broken for doing so. Why should she not like it?_

“ _I think I have a crush on him,” admitted one molly shyly, her tail tip twitching nervously as the words reached to crowd. Of course, the others merely muttered amongst themselves cheerfully. One cat happily laughed, congratulating her._

“ _You're not the only one,” muttered another molly. She glanced at Hollypaw, smirking. “You've had a crush on someone, right?” She felt broken._

“ _No,” Hollypaw muttered after she set down her herbs, and she averted the elder molly's gaze by licking her chest, her face burning. Should she have? She never felt like she want to be someone's soulmate. Her heart had never beaten a thousand times a second when she was around them, and her face never burned when she glanced at them. Once again she felt broken._

“ _You will soon,” the molly reassured her kindly, so Hollypaw didn't blame her for not understanding. She meekly nodded, feeling a bit more confident, though she still had doubts. This molly, who she didn't remember the name of, could probably at least accept it if she never... fell in love. Though... was she right? Would she fall in love with someone?_

_Hollypaw felt confused._

_She shook her head a bit to clear her head, and she leaned down to grab the leafy bundle between her teeth gently, careful not to break them. She nodded her head in thanks to her, and she padded into the Elder's den, her pelt brushing the entrance._

_Her paws touched the soft, mossy den floor as she quietly padded across in to a dark brown pelt that she remembered. Mousefur. The elderly molly was awake, her yellow eyes narrowed into slits and watching her. Mousefur opened her mouth, yawning, then stretched one of her legs slowly and mewed, “Hello, Hollypaw. Leafpool sent you to give me then, correct?” Hollypaw blinked in surprise, snapped out of her musing._

“ _Y-yes,” Hollypaw replied, stuttering a bit and dropping the herbs by the elder's paws. Mousefur nodded in thanks, leaning down to grab a herb in her jaws and chewed it. “Mousefur?”_

_The brown molly raised her head, looking at her, confused. Hollypaw took a deep breath, her head clearing slowly, but her heart still beating rapidly, and she asked quietly, “Is it possible for a cat to not be romantically attracted to anyone, tom or molly?” She shivered, then felt her face heat up. “You're an elder, so I thought you'd know...” Mousefur looked mildly surprised at her question, and she tilted her brown head, her eyes filling with sadness._

“ _Would you call that cat 'broken'?” she asked in a quiet voice, her yellow eyes glancing at the mossy den floor. The elder seemed so sad, Hollypaw's heart felt broken... and less lonely. The molly's frail body was trembling, and her eyes seemed unseeing.”Am I broken?” Hollypaw was concerned now, was this because of her old age? Did the elder think she was somewhere else. She decided to play along, then tell Leafpool._

_Hollypaw slowly shook her head, her emerald eyes meeting the elder molly's fleetingly, and Mousefur's eyes narrowed, still glazed over. “No,” she replied, feeling hopeful. Was she not alone?_

_Mousefur laughed, her eyes clearing. “We should be a platonic version of soulmates.” Hollypaw smiled the best she could. So she did mean all of that._

“ _We should.”_

_Maybe I'm not broken. Maybe..._

“Hollyleaf?”

Hollyleaf's eyes slowly open, though the world still spun around her, and the sky was a burr of blue and white. _Wait. Sky?_ She looked around slowly, confused. She was outside, and the full moon shone down her, illuminating her sable fur to silver. Two green eyes stared down at her, concerned.

“You... passed out. I brought you here so could get some fresh air. We're outside one of the tunnel entrances,” Fallen Leaves informed her gently, leaning down to lick her head, and Hollyleaf felt happiness bubble inside her for a second. Only a second. Then he asked her, “Why do you have nightmares?” She thought her heart stopped for a moment.

“I think I'm broken,” she hissed quietly, avoiding his gaze and instead focusing it on a pebble on the ground.

“Why?”

“Never in my life have I fallen in love with anyone,” she admitted fearfully. “I told someone else and they felt the same, but now they're not here, so...”

Fallen Leaves' eyes widen a bit when she said that, and he mewed, “How does that make you 'broken'?” The ginger and white tom tilted his head a bit, confused. Hollyleaf felt her face burn with shame, and her claws slid out.

“Because pretty much every cat but me has fallen in love!” she tried to shout, but she couldn't shout at her friend, even if she wanted to, not now. He was her friend... Why was she angry? He was tying to be nice to her. She didn't want to hurt him.

She didn't mean to kill _him_...

…

“Pretty much everyone?” he echoed. “Who else?”

“Just a friend,” Hollyleaf muttered bluntly, not wanting discuss any of her Clanmates in particular, and she focused her attention on the night sky. _I can't..._ “Fallen Leaves, have you ever killed someone, but you didn't mean to yet you still intended to hurt them. And something happened and they almost died and you tried to save them but killed them?”

_Did you...”_ he whispered softly, but trailed off, his voice so...fearful? Concerned?  _“Uh, no.”_

“I... I didn't mean too. I'm sorry. I confronted him him by the river. _He slipped. I t-tr-ied to sa-ave him...”_ she croaked out, sobbing a bit, fear freezing her legs. Crimson dappled her vision slowly, spattering on the stones-

_Oh StarClan..._

_Please don't make me see-_

_Blood ran down the grey tom's neck in thin streams, and the spattered on the pale smoky stone and in between the pebbles, leaving her sable paws scarlet. Her bloodstained teeth were sunk into his neck. She.. had tried to save him. The river swept him off his paws, and she tried to save him in vain._

_She hated him, though._

_He couldn't tell them, though._

“Hollyleaf,” Fallen Leaves' voice awoke her, and Hollyleaf couldn't move, feeling sick, like she was going to vomit out anything she had eaten in the past moon. She couldn't breathe, she realized in horror as she parted her jaws and trembled in shock. She lashed out a paw randomly, silently screaming.

“Hollyleaf, calm down,” Fallen Leaves commanded her, gently, yet firmly. She placed one of her paws on her neck, her eyes narrowing into sable slits. “You can breathe,” he reassured her, poking her belly, then she could breathe.

Hollyleaf gasped, her lungs burning, and hissed, _“Do... you think..-”_ She paused, taking a breath. _“That... talking to me... is going to_ make me forget it?”

The ginger and white tomcat shook his head. “No.” He seemed embarrassed about something, and he muttered, “Once... I had a crush on you.”

“Okay.” Hollyleaf had a habit of changing her mood quickly to take her mind off of... so many things.

The tom stayed silent for a moment. “I'm sorry.” He sheepishly grinned. “This conversation is odd,” Fallen Leaves commented.

“I forgive you.”

“For what?”

“I'm not sure,” Hollyleaf admitted, confused, and Fallen Leaves purred, licking her head gently. “The stars look beautiful tonight.”

“They do...”

Fallen Leaves had disappeared into the tunnels, and she stared at the white stars.

_I think-_

_No._

She knew for sure she wasn't broken. “I'm just me.”


End file.
